So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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