Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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