dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
