If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Sext me about skeletons
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
