Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
