I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
