yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
