my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
