you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
