I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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