There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
