I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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