Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
