I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
