I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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