is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
