The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
