Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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