Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
