I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
