Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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