The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I will pee on everything he values.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
