Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
