It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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