so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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