Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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