just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
