I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Randomize
