Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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