Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We left the knife in your bed.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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