I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
