he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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