I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
