I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
