dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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