____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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