Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
