Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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