Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
