Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This baby is an asshole
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
