I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I need moral support for this bender
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
