Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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