he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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