Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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