I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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