I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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