just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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