I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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