you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
