I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize