I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
