my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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