I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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