I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
