Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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