I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize