Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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