The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
